Have you ever wondered what would happen if a fully grown man on the verge of a psychotic break bit a Komodo dragon’s tongue?

Yeah, me neither. If you’re curious, not much.

Buddy Games follows a group of men that have been connecting through competition since childhood. The film begins at the end of the final round of one of these competitions, showing the winning paintball shot from Shelly (Dan Bakkedahl).

During the afterparty, we are introduced to each of the characters and the archetypes that they will represent for the rest of the movie. We are also introduced to the killer-prey dynamic that has formed between Shelly and Bender (Nick Swardson), the launching point to the plot.

Shelly is riding high on the wave of his win, boasting to anyone who would listen and taunting Bender on the loss. Bender, ruffled by the excessive force used during the competition, separates himself from the rest of the group.

As Shelly drags his…undercarriage…across a passed-out friend’s face to the cheers of partygoers, his privates get shot by a paintball, apparently triggered by Bender, and subsequently leads to Shelly losing both of his testicles. This figurative and literal blow to his manhood, leads Shelly to disappear and spiral out of control.

This would be the last competition for five years as we move our attention to Bobfather (Josh Duhamel), the rich, handsome, lady-loving leader of the group and his long-time girlfriend Tiffany (Olivia Munn).

At the urgent request of Shelly’s mother, Bobfather meets with Shelly in a rehab clinic and convinces him to participate in another buddy games weekend. Shelly reluctantly agrees. This kicks off the countless number of hijinks, dares, trials, and interpersonal issues that would bring us to the final bow and arrow showdown between Shelly and Bender.

Spoiler Alert: Bender wins.

“I’d say it feels like an employee mandated team-building weekend, but that’s giving it too much credit.”

You may be wondering why most of the overview only encompasses the first 17 minutes of the entire movie. It’s because nothing else really matters. There is a bunch of other secondary and tertiary plot points that get scrambled in, but the whole film leaves the viewer absolutely uninvested.

I had really high hopes for this movie. I wasn’t expecting a cinematic masterpiece, but the hope for an exciting, raunchy, wild-ride on the level of The Hangover series drifted through my mind as I pushed the “Watch” button on my Hulu account. I wanted weird and unique games that got me cheering from my couch, wishing I could join in.

With comedy legends like Nick Swardson, Dax Shepard, James Roday, and Dan Bakkedahl, there was almost no chance of a bad movie. Yet, as I sat watching a group of men toasting over extra frothy, semen-coladas, I started to lose that hopeful glisten in my eye.

What a disappointment.

None of the characters have any significant arc and the buddy games challenges seem like random ideas pulled out of a hat. When we finally get to the “main” event of the games, its just a simple obstacle course. I’d say it feels like an employee mandated team-building weekend, but that’s giving it too much credit.

Racing the clock to get a woman to dance with them the longest before they sh!t their pants on the dancefloor is cringy and pulled out way too long. Keeping their head in a cage with a live Komodo dragon was weird and surprisingly boring.

The announcement of the finalists is obvious. We know who’s going to be in the finals because Doc (Kevin Dillon), Durfy (Dax Shepard), and Zane (James Roday) are simply a part of the kick line, just characters to pad the run time.

Tiffany, Bobfather’s girlfriend, has a prominent position on the movie cover, but has practically no part in the film. Her entire role is to be the beautiful woman that likes sex and money, stroking the ego of director and star Josh Duhamel. We last see her 20 minutes into the story, then completely forget about her until the very end of the film. When we leave her, she has a big cinematic tear rolling gently down her cheek (I guess because she hates the Buddy Games?), then when we see her next, she’s cheering on the final battle. She then pulls out an extremely expensive engagement ring, pressuring Bobfather with an ultimatum, which he denies.

From beginning to end, the whole movie feels like a middle-aged frat boy’s fever dream. Looking at the writers, I have no doubt that that’s likely the case.

In an attempt to celebrate friendship and competition, the movie easily defines brotherhood as toxic, idiotic, hierarchy-based masculinity. Looking at this movie in its genre, simply as the kind of movie that it was trying to be, it is awful. It’s not funny, not exciting, not enjoyable. It’s 90% cringe, 8% offensive stereotypes, and 2% wide-eyed horror.

Skip.